MUTSA

I like you.

I like, like you.

I love you.

These are the words I have used to describe my feelings for my person. As I grew older and my diction increased, the words I used to describe my person at the time also seemed to develop, words like “infatuation” , “ lust” , “smitten” and “besotted” started to roll off the tongue as I began to understand that there are degrees and levels to how you love someone. By far, the strongest and scariest of these levels of love I have felt is that of unconditional love.

I love you unconditionally.

Unconditional love: affection without any limitations, or love without conditions.

From my own experience, I can say
it is a love that cannot be destroyed or locked away.
It is the love you have for someone where you put their happiness above your own.
It is the love where you want her close, but you push her away because you know that is what is best for her.  Where seeing her move on with someone new brings you the most “enjoyable pain” you have ever experienced in your life. I might have lost you with the whole “enjoyable pain” – allow me to explain; it basically brings me joy to see her happy with someone, but it does sting that it’s with someone that’s not me.

(bittersweet_)

By now surely, you are probably asking yourself “why would I want to love someone to such an extent that it brings me such emotional stress and pain?”

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The answer is quite simple  – you should not want to experience this but unfortunately there is no way to stop yourself from loving THAT person, YOUR person unconditionally. There is no figurative line where if you cross it, you’ll find yourself now unconditionally loving someone. You just find yourself there. Another question you might ask is “surely you should only love someone unconditionally who shows me the same love in return?”

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“If you are looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love.
And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever.
Even when people roll their eyes and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then.
You just—you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and—and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love.
That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I—that’s not what this is.”

I could not have said it better than my main man Ted Mosby did up there.

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I am guessing by now you’ve labelled me as someone who’s hurt or on the other hand a hopeless romantic who isn’t in touch with reality and you would be right in both cases. Yes, I have been hurt and it would have been easy to just change my approach or who I am, but the thing is, would I truly be happy locking that side of myself away? There is nothing cool or brave or strong about hardening your soul or blackening your heart because of someone else’s actions towards you. True strength of character is never wavering from who you are!

I know it is scary to feel these emotions. I know it can paralyze you to feel this way but it all becomes worth it when you find that
someone you feel safe with,
someone you can truly depend on,
someone who can make all the problems of the outside world disappear by just looking at you and by just being around you.
I am a guy that wants that.

I am a guy who wants to get married, have 3 kids, a dog and live in a big house (such a cliché right?). I want to wake up every morning and fall in love with the same person who has slept next to me for over a decade again for another decade. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and sneak into the kitchen and surprise my lady with breakfast in bed. I know what I want, and I know who I am. I’m just a guy who wants to and believes in unconditional love. Maybe you do too and that’s okay.

I love you unconditionally.