MUTSA

“Just don’t think about it. Treat it like it’s a normal day.”
These were my mother’s words when I told her I was afraid to spend my 23^rd birthday alone in quarantine. Turning a year older, alone in the midst of a global pandemic, approximately 8 000 miles from home felt – terrifying. I have been away from home for years now, and birthdays have always been an uncomfortable time for me and during a pandemic? There were bound to be some tears—and there were.

As each year comes and goes, and your mortality becomes increasingly apparent, there is always an awful sense of dread. The clock ticks, inching you closer to the proverbial ‘END’, and as you inch closer, you must achieve something to reflect the time passing you by and if you don’t?
You’re a failure.

I am only in my early twenties, but with the expansion of social media, there is a constant need to be doing something, and to be seen to be doing something. Every achievement your peers manage is publicised on Instagram, Twitter and my personal favourite demon, LinkedIn. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with these social sites in theory. They offer inspiration, create networks, grow businesses, and help to keep us in touch with topics or people we would otherwise have missed.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that the onslaught of achievement can be disheartening when you find yourself on the other side of the door that is ‘Success’.

The other day, after a particularly disappointing day searching for a post-graduate job, I saw some alumni from universities I attended with exciting posts announcing their new positions and next steps.  I was in my room, on my tenth rejection and I almost broke down in tears. On one hand, I felt excited for all these people I had come across in my life. I liked all their posts and commented ‘Amazing!” but there was an ugly part that wondered;
when will my turn come?
When will I think of something brilliant and start my own non-profit organisation that fulfills the years I have spent in school and the thousands of dollars that have been invested in me?
What’s my passion? Can my passion earn me lots of money to buy lots of things one day?
These questions circled in my mind, swirling and creating a grey cloud over me. It was at that moment I had to sit down and think about where I am and what I want.

As the ugliness dissipated, the guilt rose. Am a I hater? Am I the Hater™ that I loudly denounce when I rap along to my favourite songs or speak about casually in group-chats with my friends? I had never thought about myself like that before, but there I was.

Yet, after talking to several people and good old Google, I discovered that this feeling was rather normal. The temporary ugliness that had reared its head for a moment did not make me a bad person; it only made me human. It is nice to see your peers coming up with all sorts of exciting ideas and achieving their goals. It is also okay to feel a little lost, and a little confused. And in 2020, bang in the whirlwind that is Corona? It’s a pretty normal response.

To be frank, nothing about what I am writing is ground-breaking. I am not reinventing the wheel by repeating words that have been written and read out at graduation speeches or presented through visually exciting blurbs on inspirational Instagram posts. The point remains, however, we are living through a pandemic, having to be more isolated that we’ve had to be in decades. The world is looking at an economic depression that is projected to last for years to come, not to mention climate change, and social justice issues.  As soon as you hold up your phone, you must prepare yourself for an emotional assault that you readily accept because you want to do your best to learn, to check your privilege and to spread awareness.

At 23, post-university, according to the neo-liberal doctrine, I am supposed to be embarking on an amazing adventure, but that is not the case; that cannot be the case. Instead, I am writing this, sitting in my room, after a long day of browsing through the internet. Just like you, I want solutions. I want a job. I want to save the world. Yet that seems unattainable.

The world is uninspiring today. Who knows what it will be tomorrow? My dreams, my goals, may change. In 2020, I am riding a wave and I do not know where it will take me. They say nothing is permanent and this grey existence won’t last forever, (at least that’s what Google and all the books say). A brilliant idea might strike me, I might be on LinkedIn in a month saying hey! I got the job, or I figured out world hunger, but for now—that’s not the case.

In many ways, I am privileged, and I must acknowledge that I am in a better position than many, but I do not doubt that this story is not unique to me. There are many twenty-somethings feeling lost, feeling a little confused, feeling dispassionate, but what we often forget is that all these feelings can exist in us as one. As I was feeling disheartened by all the success stories on LinkedIn, I was also feeling inspired, I was also feeling hopeful. We are complex creatures with complex feelings.

This is a letter from me to me and maybe to you, letting myself know and whoever reads this that yeah, growing older as time speeds past us is terrifying. You are allowed to feel sad, disheartened, and uninspired. It does not make you a bad person nor a failure.

The only solution is to keep striving for that something you want and along the way, recognizing pockets of happiness and moments of hopefulness. The job, the business plan, the healing – whatever is it, will come. Not to bore anyone with Pinterest clichés of carpe diem and ‘live, laugh, love’, but at the end of the day, you have to do what you can with what you have, just as you have to give yourself a moment to breathe. This is to say to myself good things could happen at any time. Support those who are experiencing good things, celebrate their happiness; they will celebrate yours too.

To be 20-something in 2020 is something, allow yourself moments to feel, to grieve, to cry and to laugh. Time is a construct anyway.