MUTSA

Brand: “I don’t know Caden. It feels like everything’s sort of gone to shit, you know? And it’s like, that’s it; there’s no way back. We are just going to die and it’s going to be slow and horrible and ultimately insignificant.”

Caden: “Yeah, I know what you mean. We’re fucked. At my age, my parents had already met, gotten married, bought a house…I’m lucky to get a text back. As for moving out? Let’s not even start.”

Brand: “You’re not hearing me though. Like yeah, Zim is messed up, but it’s like, on a divine level man, the whole world is on fire, and the dudes at the top don’t care.”

Brand: “Do you believe in heaven and hell?”

Caden: “Nah, I think this is it. Either there’s no god, and we are just…I don’t know – existing. Or there is a god but he kind of doesn’t care.”

Brand: “Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. I want there to be a god though. Not because I want to be saved or whatever, but because I need somebody to blame. Someone has to take responsibility for this shitshow. I always think about how god is the only guy to ever exist, who made something faulty, or flawed, or whatever, but somehow gets to blame the tools for their own inadequacies.

Caden: “Feels like you’re doing that thing that human beings do, where they search for meaning in the mundane. The easiest answer is usually the right one; there is probably no god, and we are each just weak, evil little creatures inflicting cruelties on one another. There is no heaven, no hell, no judge, no miracles…it’s just us man. We are our own gods.”

Brand: “You never experienced a miracle before?”

Caden: “Don’t make me laugh, Brand. You mean like my granny’s beer turning into rooibos tea or something?”

Brand: “Fuck off man, I’m being serious. None of that walking on water stuff. I mean, like, something very unlikely. An outcome that defied the odds, some shit that to this day just doesn’t make sense. You know when stuff just falls in line in an uncanny way?”

Caden: “You mean a coincidence?”

Brand: “Swear down I’m going to clap you, Caden. You know what I mean…like, a series of perfect coincidences, an event that goes beyond ‘lucky’ or ‘serendipitous’. Some shit that almost defies reality.”

Caden: “You’re bugging, man, I can’t lie.”

Brand: “I heard Martha’s voice.”

Caden: “Martha, as in your sister Martha who has been dead for, what, five years now?”

Brand: “Man, fuck you.”

Caden: “I’m being sincere bro. What do you mean by you ‘heard her voice’?

Brand: “You remember the counting tree we used to use for hide-and-seek whenever we went to visit my gogo? The naartjie tree in the back?”

Caden: “Yeah, I remember. The naartjies never seemed to ripen. They were always sour, but Martha was always munching on them for some reason.”

Brand: “Right?! Anyway, when I went to gogo’s funeral last year, I wandered out back for a smoke by the old tree, and in the silence, in the shadow of that naartjie tree, I heard her.”

Caden: “You know what I’m going to say, Brand.”

Brand: “You don’t understand. This was as real as the wind on my face, or the Sun in my eyes. I was sober as a stone, and you know me; when have I ever believed in all that woo-woo crap? This was real, Caden.”

Caden: “Okay, okay. I get that it felt real to you, which makes it meaningful. Anyway, what did she say?”

Brand: “Nothing, really. I was stood out back, cold and hungry and mourning, and then I felt her there right next to me, and she was counting.”

Caden: “Counting?”

Brand: “Yeah man, just like how we used to when we played the game back in the day. She was even doing the thing she used to do, where she’d try and get to a hundred in one breath. I heard it, clear as day.”

Caden: “What were you smoking, exactly?”

Brand: “Fuck off man. You know I only smoke cigs.”

Caden: “Just messing with you. You miss her?”

Brand: “I don’t know. It feels like…there’s a void, you know? I thought that healing meant repair, but in this case, it feels like learning to live in a state of longing. I sometimes forget her face. I don’t know how I’m feeling.”

Caden: “I’ve been thinking about dying.”

Brand: “You okay man?”

Caden: “Yeah, but no, but yeah. Not like, in a suicidal way. It’s just, what’s the point of anything? I’m spending like, half my life working, hating it, by the way, making just enough money to stay alive, chasing an increasingly unlikely dream life filled with comfort and fulfillment. I’m a cow being used for labour to line some nameless guy’s pockets. That’s my life. That’s the culmination of my being. And at the end of it all, I’m just going to die and that’s that? I don’t know how to deal with that.”

Brand: “I get what you’re saying, but don’t you think it’s just about framing? Like, for all its bullshit, life presents us with so many little delights, and it takes a conscious mental shift to appreciate them.”

Caden: “You can’t be serious, Brand. You’re the one who was talking about cosmic imbalance and the whole world being on fire. What is this positivity gimmick all of a sudden?”

Brand: “I’m just saying – as much as everything has gone to shit, there are still things that bring a smile to my face, you know?”

Caden: “But what does that say about us? My misery makes me feel pathetic sometimes. Have you seen some of the footage coming out of the DRC? Or Gaza? How can I let myself indulge in self-pity when there are people experiencing far worse? Conversely, how can I be happy or joyful when the world is literally on fire? It just feels kind of tone-deaf.”

Brand: “You’re digging a hole, bro. Whether you smile or cry, the world will still burn. The cycle of suffering will persist. The only thing you can do is make the journey as bearable as possible.”

Caden: “I know one way to end the cycle. Death – the final sleep. No more pain, or angst, or fear. Just, nothingness.”

Brand: “I acknowledge that, and I’m not trying to minimize your feelings when I say this, but do you realize that you exist beyond your idea of yourself?”

Caden: “What are you on about?”

Brand: “I’m saying that where your death would bring you peace, it would cause us grief and sorrow, thus increasing our suffering. There’s not a moment that I’m not thinking about Martha. Her absence is a permanent scar in all our lives.”

Caden: “I get you, man. I miss her too; you have no idea. But at the same time, she is resting now. She isn’t experiencing the pains of living, the pressure of survival, the horror of being an adult. And I’m thankful that she doesn’t have to.”

Brand: “I think about that sometimes too. But I also think about her light, who she would’ve become, how many people’s lives she would’ve touched, you feel me?”

Caden: “She cared. So much. I’m not like her, or you. I’m just here man. I don’t have the strength or the courage to care. I can barely take care of myself.”

Brand: “It’s normal for you to not see how much you do for the rest of us. You’re my best friend, man. I’ll never forget how things were when Martha died. Ma didn’t speak for three months. She couldn’t eat, or even bring herself to leave her bed. It was you and your mom who brought her back. Those six months you came to stay with us saved both our lives. You played chess with her every day, and that was the only time I ever saw her smile. How many sleepless nights did we spend playing FIFA, because I was too afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep? You held us down, and I know Ma loves you for that. I do too.”

Caden: “I did what you would have done for me, Brand. You’re my best friend; it wasn’t anything special.”

Brand: “I tell you that you helped bring Ma back to life, that you held my hand through the darkest period in my life, and you tell me that it’s ‘not that deep’? Don’t piss me off man, who are we to you?”

Caden: “Yeah, my bad. I get you. I just…I don’t know. I know that I have a community that loves me and cares about me. I know that there are good things in my life. But life itself? I don’t know how much more hurting I can take.”

Brand: “You have a problem, you know that?”

Caden: “Just one?”

Brand: “Seriously, Caden. Why do you always feel like you have to save something? It’s not your job to save the world.”

Caden: “I don’t know where you got the idea that I care about the world that much; I’m just trying to save myself.”

Brand: “And yet you’ve tied your salvation to that of the world. Who do you think you are?”

Caden: “Chill on me, man.

Caden: “Did she say anything else?”

Brand: “What?”

Caden: “Martha. Did she say or do anything else, when you heard her counting?”

Brand: “No. It’s like…she knew I was there, but we were playing a game, and we were pretending that we didn’t know that the other was there.”

Caden: “How did you feel?”

Brand: “Alone. So, so alone.”

Caden: “You’re not alone, you know that right?”

Brand: “I desperately want that to be true, but I don’t know man.”

Brand: “I miss her.”

Caden: “Me too man. Me too.”